I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
