Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize