i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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