exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize