I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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