if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
