Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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