I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
