If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
