Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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