I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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