no, he came in my armpit
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
