____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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