Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
