i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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