I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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