We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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