Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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