You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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