i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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