Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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