I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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