dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Banned from zoo.
Again?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
