Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
