He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
