I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
