so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize