My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
