so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
