No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize