Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
