There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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