when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
