im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
