I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
