my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
