dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
