why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
