I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
