Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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