Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
