God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
