I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You ruined the universe
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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