Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
