it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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