I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
