whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
