Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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