I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
