I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Can vaginas get frostbite?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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