If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize