Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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