someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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