im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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