worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
