never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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