he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
