Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
