Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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