If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
