I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
