my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
