Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize