I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
