She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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