If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
