Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you had me at cake vodka
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
