oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
