sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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