I need help removing her.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
