well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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