I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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