so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
