I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
