I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
