I love black thongs
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
