Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Holy shit dude........stairs
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
